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August 3, 2017 
Daniel Lee “Thank you for calling. Our operators are currently busy at the moment. Please hold. Your call will be answered shortly”. These words are sure to send a shiver down anyone’s spine. Inevitably, these sentences are followed by some inoffensive music – either soft jazz or a singer encouraging you to ‘let the sun shine’.
The phrase “you are currently 16th in our queue” also has the same outcome. Yes, welcome to being put on hold: an action that can send even the most patient saint into a state of mild insanity as they hear ‘Galway Girl’ for the 97th time.
In fact, it’s estimated that the average person will spend 1.2 years on hold throughout their lifetime. Fortunately, however, there are ways to survive being put on hold, especially when you resign yourself to the fact that you could be waiting for hours.
So, why should you just have to sit there and wait, silently plotting the downfall of Ed Sheeran? Surely there are more productive and even stress-reducing things that you can do to pass the time?
Simply pick a method from our list below and never fear being put on hold again…
What could be more productive while on hold than learning a new language? It’s both something to add to your CV and help with deciding where to next go on holiday.
But which language should you learn first? According to the Foreign Service Institute, Afrikaans, Danish and French are the three easiest (and therefore quickest) languages for English speakers to learn.
You might want to stay clear of Japanese though, as this is apparently the most difficult language to learn and takes approximately 88 weeks. Although, if you feel that you are going to be on hold for 2200 hours, then why not start with ‘Kon’nichiwa’ and see how much you can learn before an operator picks up the phone?
For some people, problem solving is just as infuriating as being put on hold – why do you think we haven’t included ‘complete a Rubix cube’ on this list? But for others, solving a maths problem, completing a crossword or attempting a Sudoku puzzle brings a welcome distraction.
And while there are many head-scratching riddles out there, we thought we’d include one that we’re confident can’t be solved in a matter of seconds. The below riddle was created by one of the smartest men to have ever lived: Albert Einstein. And, it was alleged that he came up with it as a child.
Einstein also once famously declared that only 2% of the population would be able to solve it – although some argue that he meant only 2% could work out the answer in their head and that most people would have to work it out on paper.
We reckon that once you’ve figured this riddle out, you’d have jumped from 16th in the queue to number one.
The situation
There are five houses, with five occupants, each with a different colour house, different beverage of choice, different favourite brand of cigarette and a unique pet.
The question is: Who owns the fish?
Hints
If you’re stumped, scroll down to the bottom of our article for the answer.
If even just the thought of being put on hold makes your blood boil, then you can find ways to relax. And, what’s more stress-releasing than yoga? Whether you’re at your desk or at home you can quickly find your inner zen with a yoga practice.
Forget about the repetitive music, the fear that you might never actually get to speak to a human or how expensive your phone bill’s going to be if it’s a premium number. Instead, practise your downward dog, chaturanga or tree pose.
Some yoga styles such as Yin Yoga and Restorative Yoga encourage you to hold your yoga pose for three to five minutes at a time, or sometimes even longer – perfect for clearing your mind and passing the time. Just make sure that you can get out of your yoga pose once someone answers the phone – talking through your latest phone bill while still in a headstand is bound to be challenging.
If the average amount of time someone spends on hold during their lifetime is 1.2 years, then we’ve put together some TV shows that you could binge on to pass the time – and how long it would take to watch all seasons back-to-back. Of course, we’re not saying that you’ll be on hold for days at a time, but why not fire up Netflix and start with an episode (or a whole season) while you wait?
If you’re having to listen to the same playlist three times before someone answers the phone, then you might as well start researching the origin of the songs you’re listening to.
Allegedly, some misguided GP surgery decided to choose ‘Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door’ by Bob Dylan as their hold music, but did you know that it was originally written for the soundtrack to the 1973 film Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid? It’s also been covered by the likes of Eric Clapton (as a reggae version) and more famously by Guns N’ Roses, in which their studio version was used in the soundtrack to Days of Thunder.
However, chances are that you’ve been listening to a song called Opus No.1 when you’re on hold. You may have thought nothing of it, but did you know that it was first recorded in 1989 by Tim Carleton and Darrick Deel in their garage when they were teenagers? Years later and the song’s been heard by millions of people around the world and is arguably one of the most recognisable pieces of music to have never entered the Top 40. Do you recognise it?
If you prefer to pass the time by using your hands, rather than solving puzzles, then why not build something? After all, what better time is there to put together your flatpack furniture from Ikea? So, grab your tools and get building!
And who knows where the time will take you? Will you be on hold long enough to build a doll’s house, a conservatory, or maybe even a tree house? Plus, if you ever start worrying that you’re going to be on hold for years, then just remember that it took the ancient Egyptians 10-20 years to build the pyramids.
If all else fails, go for the classic method. Yes, making a cup of tea is the British answer for surviving anything and everything. Feeling sad? Have a cup of tea. Facing an important life decision? Have a cup of tea. Bored of being on hold? Make a cup of tea.
Not able to complete something on this list first time around? Don’t worry – you’re bound to be on hold again at some point in life.
We think that it’s about time that people started seeing being put on hold as an opportunity to learn a new skill (there’s also juggling, fire breathing – the world’s your oyster). Plus, you might just be able to talk to your call operator in Afrikaans one day. So, do a little fist pump the next time you hear the phrase “Please hold” … or just go and stick the kettle on.
Riddle Answer: The German
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July 14, 2017 Daniel Lee
Dodgy builders. Also known as cowboys, rogue traders and often synonymous with taking their tea with two sugar as well as taking your cash without finishing the job. Recently, the Federation of Master Buildings declared that around £1.5 billion worth of work is undertaken by dodgy builders every year, with consumers who pay builders in cash losing the equivalent of £712,000 a day in botched work, which then must be repaired.
The Office of Fair Trading (OFT) say that they’re inundated with around 10,000 complaints each year about rogue traders. Of course, dodgy builders don’t advertise that they’re dishonest – and you may very well know someone who’s been taken for a ride.
Yes, sometimes it’s easier than you’d imagine to fall victim to the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Because of this, rogue traders often ruin things for perfectly trustworthy tradesmen. Luckily we’ve come up with our brief guide on dealing with these cowboys – from how to spot them to getting your money back after a job goes wrong.
There are certain red flags that might indicate that the builder you’re talking to isn’t totally trustworthy. If you suspect that their way of working is different to that of a genuine business, then chances are that they’re not 100% legitimate. Here are some warning signs to be aware of:
It’s also a major red flag if they insist on not drawing up a contract. “My word is my bond” just shouldn’t’ cut it in a situation like this. A contract acts as a legal binding and should clearly state your desired timeframe, agreed figure of payment and what you expect your contractor to do and not do. If a builder tries to skirt around drawing up a contract, then he’s obviously not planning to stick to whatever is stated within it.
Alarm bells should ring too if they just have a mobile number, an unbranded van and refuse to give you more details about their business. Without registered premises, a landline number or solid references, they can quite easily disappear should you need to chase them for money. Suddenly, you’ll have a phone operator declaring that the mobile number you are calling is ‘no longer available’.
Indeed, there are plenty of stories out there of a client and builder reaching only a verbal agreement over a renovation (we’re talking thousands of pounds), only then for the builder to disappear after receiving their deposit (around 25% of the overall amount). Unsurprisingly, the client is then unable to track them down.
Although not wanting to draw up a contract is a red flag, it also helps in keeping you covered. Having everything in writing should help to protect you should any problems arise; a contract is your safety net in a business transaction of this nature.
Research is also key to keeping yourself covered. It’s worth looking at a builder’s past work if possible – were their past customers happy, and did they complete it to the standard, time and cost that they had agreed? The Ombudsman Service found that 57% of homeowners did not check credentials before commissioning work, leaving them with cracking, electrical and structural problems later down the line.
It’s well worth asking friends and family for recommendations and to find out if the builder in questions is part of a trade group. However, some dodgy builder firms have allegedly set up fake memberships to seem legitimate in that manner.
The most reputable tradesmen, though, should have the OFT Approved Code logo. This verifies that their business runs to higher standards than the law requires. You can look out for the Trustmark logo too. Alternatively, you can reach out to your local council, who should have a list of vetted, registered contractors in your area. Consumers can also find traders who have been inspected and approved by Which? on their website.
Of course, money is a vital factor in protecting yourself. Did you know that three-quarters of botched jobs are done cash-in-hand? While we’ve said that this is a red flag for spotting a cowboy builder, it’s also the easiest way that the builder can get away with things. All they have to do is fold the notes, put them in their pocket, drive off in their van, and there’s no record of the exchange of money between you two if things later end up in court. Only ever pay for work that’s been completed and to the standard that you’d agreed beforehand, in writing.
It’s also important to keep copies of any correspondence between you and your builder, both leading up to the deal and during any work. Communication such as emails and text messages all act as evidence should your builder vanish into thin air halfway through the job.
This is the burning question that people ask when their cowboy walks off into the sunset with their money and leaves their property in disarray. So, what should you do?
Firstly, you should contact the police. These dodgy builders have technically committed fraud, so you should report them to the authorities with as much information as you possibly can. Recently, a cowboy builder father and son were ordered to pay back more than £2000,000 to their victims after being reported to the police.
Trading Standards also take a very strong stance against dodgy builders, so make sure that you report your rogue trader to them as well – they may be able to help negotiate a settlement or help mediate a solution. In fact, a recent investigation by Trading Standards helped in the prosecution of a rogue trader, who took £2,200 from a homeowner only to leave her bungalow with multiple construction faults. The rogue trader has now been fined £1,000 and ordered to pay £2,840 compensation and £500 costs.
On the condition that you can track your cowboy builder down, you can take them to the small claims court if they refuse to refund any money. If this seems like a costly option, then fear not: the small claims court can cover a small job (up to £10,000) and it won’t cost you much to take this approach.
If possible, you should try and put the job on a credit card in the first place (if the job costs between £100 and £30,000). This means that you can get your money back under the Consumer Credit Act should something go wrong. Alternatively, Citizens Advice can help with claiming your money back.
However, it’s vital to follow our steps before hiring a builder as it’ll make your chances of getting a refund much higher – and ensure that you don’t get ripped off in the first place. In fact, the Home Improvement Guarantee Scheme (HIG) now exists to prevent customers losing money. The funds are placed in an independent account to keep the consumer’s money safe against a dodgy builder and shoddy work. Once the work has been completed and the customer is 100% happy with the level of work, the final payment is released.
So, do your research, draw up a contract, keep a paper trail, look out for any other red flags and never, ever pay upfront or in cash.
Of course, if you have suspicions about a builder, then you can always change your mind. There are plenty of honourable and talented tradesmen out there, so don’t hesitate to find a builder that you can fully trust. You can then rest easy knowing that your property (and money) are in safe, reliable hands.
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